How do I help my child with big feelings?

As parents, we want our children to be happy but it’s simply impossible for a child to be happy 24/7.

Emotions are part of life and feeling and learning to manage emotions are part of child development. Strong emotions such as sadness, disappointment, anger, or jealousy can be particularly hard for children to understand, and it can be a challenge for parents to help them identify and contain them.

As a parent, it can feel awfully embarrassing when children have a meltdown in a supermarket or family gathering over the smallest thing. Fortunately, there are a few simple steps that you can do as a parent to help your child understand and make sense of their emotions and you can also preparing a self soothe kit, easy instructions are at the end of this blog post.

How to help your child with their big feelings 

1. Acknowledge their Feelings: Validation helps them to feel heard and helps them not to be scared of their own big feelings that they don’t know how to deal with yet. Validation means affirming that an emotional response is ok.

For example, this might look like reassuring them, “I see you're disappointed”, or “I see you are annoyed about leaving the park”, it might be followed by distracting them so they are not too stuck in the emotion. 

2. Model Healthy Coping Skills: Children learn best by example, so it’s important for parents to model healthy ways of dealing with emotions. When your child sees you managing your own emotions in a constructive way, they will be more likely to do the same. For example, a child may say "What's wrong Daddy?" And if there is something the matter, it's ok to be honest and say, "I'm really upset about this email, I'm going to calm down and take my mind of it before I sit down to reply."  

2. Stay calm and listen:  If you are calm and manage not to be triggered by your child's outburst, it helps them to know that they too can manage the emotional storm they are facing. regulate themselves and gives them a safe space to express their feelings. Inside you might be stressed out, but try and save this for when you can talk to another adult or make sure you get some time to unwind after managing their mini meltdowns. 

3. Offer Comfort: When your child is feeling overwhelmed, it’s important to offer comfort and reassurance. This can be as simple as giving them a hug or talking through the situation with them. If they don’t respond to this, trying to distract them through playing thumb war or something that takes their mind off the situation can help. 

4. Practice Calming Techniques: Help your child learn calming techniques, such as deep breathing and self-talk. Focus on their strengths and positive experiences when teaching them these

5. Create a self-soothing pack with your child. We give instructions below.  This helps children to connect to their senses when they are overwhelmed with emotion, as well as help them find the familiar things that helps them to calm down.

Finally, remember they are learning to manage their emotions, so when they really struggle with emotions, it should be a phase, not who they are. However, if you find that nothing works, you may want to speak to a parenting coach or professional as there are some types of disorders that lead children and teenagers to have difficulties regulating their emotions. 

How to create a self-soothing pack for your child

It's recommended to have a range of sensory things that your child enjoys and something for them to focus their mind on. You could include something to smell, something to touch, something to look at, something to taste and something to .

Something to smell

This could be something that your child likes the smell of and a smell that is familiar to them, it could be natural like an orange or some dried lavender or synthetic like strawberry lip balm or a scented toy.

Something to touch

This could be a teddy, a fidget toy with a texture, or a fave toy that your child is often entertained by. Ask them if they would like to play with the toy or hold it.

Something to look at

This could be a book or an object such as a large pebble or shell or a toy that they find interesting.

Something to taste

We want to avoid always using sweet things as a way to soothe but a healthy treat or a sugar-free sweet (make sure it's age appropriate)

For younger children, they may want a chew toy or something they can chew on.

Something to cuddle.

For younger children having a soft toy to cuddle may be especially helpful, especially if it is one of their favorites with a name and a personality. A soft blanket can be very soothing after a meltdown.

Obviously we live in a digital world. Many children will be distracted or entertained by their iPad or watching TV and whilst this can be effective, try not to be overly reliant on this as a way to calm your child down.